Looking for Balance

So, I survived the first week.

When I visited the school, back before the break, I thought that I had some understanding of what I was getting myself into. My assumptions were right, but didn't come close to going far enough.

Most of my students are refugees, or come from that lineage. Many of them saw horrible things happen to people they love. Many live now in crowded spaces, sharing most everything they have. And some of the stories go so far past those lines that I can hardly find the words.

I learned a few things this week about my students that I'm struggling to handle. For the sake of everyones privacy I won't get into the specifics here. Suffice it to say it broke my heart and made me sick to my stomach all at once, and leaves the tales I've been told from very small little children about TVs lost to drive by shootings seem like nothing.

The student all of this happened to, as one would expect has a number of discipline issues. They back talk, ignore directions, make wise comments and generally seem "above it all." During a presentation my cooperating teacher (forever after this referred to as my co-op) was giving this student was talking, doodling and generally misbehaving. It wasn't only their fault but since I had done the "one more time and I'm moving you" thing, I felt I had to back it up. The student reacted poorly, and so aggressively that I felt myself inclined to be harsher about the discipline, I resisted the urge and now am glad I did.

The trouble is, you can't go around feeling sorry for these kids. Because as my co-op says that just another form of racism or classism. Yes, most of these students, if not all, were handed the short end of the stick. And yes, they will have to work harder than other children. But they CAN succeed, and they don't need special favors to do it, they need someone who cares enough about them to be hard on them, to not expect less because we all know that life isn't fair. As my mother always says "no one escapes this life unscarred," the true test is what you do with it after the fact.

I believe all these things fully, but more often than not putting it into practice is hard to do. While the student I spoke of before this has had some genuinely, above and beyond, gut wrenching horrible things happen to them, how is it fair to expect less?

I've taught at the college level for many years now, and while its not been as intense as this has been, I've seen a good deal of pain and hardship in my classes. Frequently it comes out in financial issues, they can't buy this or that, can't get things done because of work... And on occasion I've been lenient. I've bought materials, loaned books, given second chances. The worst part of it is its 99% failure rate.

In 5 years at this college I can count on one hand the students that took those chances and went on to success. In fact I think that number may only be one.

So the questions becomes, where do you draw the line?

How do you go from looking into the eyes of a student who has endured horrors and push them like you push everyone else?

There is no short answer. Each situation is unique, and as my co-op says after many many years at this school, you learn who you can push, and who you can't.

I've only got 7 more weeks, but I hope to make the most of it.

Week One -

High Points:

• The above drawing from a 5th grade girl.
• Acting out different kinds of lines with the little ones. It is such a kick!
• Hugs in the hallway from the same little ones.

Low Points:

• The above situation.
• A handful of discipline. How many times do I have to say "raise your hand and wait?!"
• Feeling a little gun shy and overwhelmed. I love it, but I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself for large and lofty lessons when these kids seldom even get a chance to be kids.